Blog

By Carrie Barlow, D.O.

COVID-19. The word brings up so many feelings in each of us. And I got it. Wait, what? I’m supposed to be a doctor who teaches people how to live a healthy lifestyle, and I got it?

Yes, I did.

It started as a slight tickle in my throat that I kept trying to clear a week before Halloween on a Friday in 2021. On Saturday I woke up with a painful headache, one that felt like my whole brain was swollen. When I shook my head “yes” or “no” it felt like my brain was hitting my skull. I became progressively more tired during the day, the headache worsened, then the muscle aches and chills started. I took a 2 hour nap at 3 pm, which I never normally do. I took my temperature that evening—99.3. I took a rapid home COVID test, and the result was a faint pink line indicating it was positive. Ugh. Sunday morning I woke with less of a headache but persisting muscle aches and fatigue and got myself to the urgent care clinic, where they confirmed I was positive for COVID.

The wave of emotions started rolling in, including shame, fear, anxiety, shock and irritation. To stuff them down I went into “Captain Mommy” mode, the one where I take control and bark out orders, resulting in my 9 and 12 year old boys saluting and saying “Aye, Captain!” Who else was going to do this for me if I didn’t? I had to review the family schedule for the next 2 weeks with my husband, tell him where the kids had to be and when, let my work know my situation, tell my family that our holiday photo shoot needed to be rescheduled, work with the photographer to get it rescheduled, figure out who was going where for trick or treating, and restructure the meal plan. I isolated myself in the guest bedroom and got to work.

Coping With Shame

In between the organizing, text messages, and phone calls there was a lull where my emotions would again wash over me. I allowed myself to feel them and found myself crying. A lot. The big one that hit me was shame. I was ashamed of getting this disease when I was doing everything right…except maybe going to the gym I had recently joined without a mask and maybe not using enough hand sanitizer. Aha! I would blame the gym, it was all their fault! No, I couldn’t blame them, I could have gotten it from anywhere. But I was supposed to be the shining example of health, and didn’t getting COVID show the world that I was not perfect? What would everyone think?

I decided to let myself feel all the emotions because I knew if I stuffed them down they would fester and erupt at some future time or worse, manifest in a vague physical symptom like fatigue. I searched the internet to find out how I should handle the shame and remembered that I had watched Brené Brown’s Netflix special Call to Courage. In it Brené talks about “uncomfortable” things, including shame, vulnerability, fear, and having the courage to talk about these difficult emotions.

I binge watched as many of Brené’s videos as I could. I purchased her Gifts of Imperfection 10th Anniversary edition book and took the Wholehearted Inventory. I did more online research and found that I indeed felt “trapped, powerless, and isolated” due to the shame I was feeling. To pull myself out of the shame spiral and lean towards “empathy, connection, power, and freedom,” the opposite emotions of shame, I needed to employ the 4 steps of Brené Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory (SRT):

1. Recognize shame and understand my shame triggers,
2. Recognize the factors that led to the feelings of shame and practice critical awareness,
3. Own my story and connect with others who would support me empathetically,
4. Talk about shame.

Recognizing Triggers and Reaching Out for Help

I definitely recognized the shame I was feeling–COVID made sure of that. I couldn’t use my avoidance strategy once my life was pretty much under control, so the shame washed over me. I felt constricted and small. My brow furrowed, and I cried. Now that I am aware of these feelings I will be able to recognize when I’m on a path into a shame storm and employ the rest of the steps of SRT.

The factors that led to my shame were feelings of being not good enough or not doing the right things to avoid getting COVID. I reality checked myself by realizing that I could have gotten it from anywhere and I was doing the best I could to avoid it.

I reached out to friends and family who I knew would lend an empathetic ear rather than shame me further, took a deep breath, and told them my story. I’ll admit that it was scary to feel so vulnerable. To my surprise I found that my friends and family were happy to help me by listening or making comfort food (grilled cheese sandwiches made by my Mom are my fave!). My friends said they felt the same when they were taken down by illness or events. Those feelings of shame, unworthiness, less than, they were feelings shared by many. I wasn’t alone.

I also reached out to friends who had had COVID, and we compared our shame stories. It was really comforting to know that my good friends who were in similar positions as me felt the same emotions during their illness. It felt good to talk about it, and that’s why I’m writing about it now, so others can take comfort in the fact that there are others out there that feel the same way they do.

The Secret to Resilience: Courage, Compassion, and Connection

Working on my shame issues is a daily practice and a lifelong journey. Brené says that shame needs secrecy, silence and judgment to survive; empathy is the antidote to shame. Using the 4 steps of SRT makes me feel vulnerable, and that’s okay because it allows me to practice what Brené calls the 3 “C’s that will help me develop worthiness and be more shame resilient: Courage, compassion, and connection. Utilizing SRT allows me to practice the courage to be my authentic self, have compassion for myself first and then others, and form a connection with others that is built on these principles. It’s a bumpy road, but I’m on my way.